I keep waiting for one of my friends to ask how long I have been trans. It is not a “correct” or even a polite question, It is even worse than asking a lady her age, but here it goes.
This is actually one of several questions:
- How long have you been trans?
- How long have you known or suspected that you are trans?
- How long have you been working on your transition?
Of course the answers to these questions are different for everyone, but for me:
How long have you been trans?
I have some very early memories of wanting to be a girl. I would have this weird fantasy where I was kidnapped and smuggled to another country where somehow magically I was transformed into a little girl.
When I was young and growing up in a small red neck town in the 1970’s and ’80’s, I did not have words for any of this, and I honestly thought it was “normal” and everyone had these thoughts. In my late teens and early 20’s I would say I was a lesbian in a man’s body, without having any idea what I was actually saying, and without any idea this was not how all boys felt.
How long have you known you are trans?
I think I really started to build the words to explore myself around the Covid era. I had lots of time alone at home, and I could indulge myself.
I have had periods where I would dress up in female clothing since I started living on my own, but I always felt guilty that it was some kind of fetish, or a weird type of insecurity,
Around that time I started to wonder if this was something else, and what I could/should do about it. Luckily we have the internet, and there are a lot of resources available. Some info better than others to be sure, but at least I had a place to start, and I could see this was not some weird fetish.
How long have you been working on your transition?
A couple of years ago or so, I set up a phone appointment with a counsellor through work benefits. The poor person handling my case was a bit taken aback when I started the session with, “I think I might be a woman.”
They were not really equipped to handle that issue, they were trained more on work related stress and things of that nature. To be fair, they were very patient and understanding, but not too helpful.
I searched for someone who could actually help me and found Burn Bright Counselling. I have been seeing someone from here for a couple of years as I write this, and they have been so incredibly helpful. Without the resources and information they have given, as well as support and guidance to find who I really am, I might not even be here.
And now for the big question:
How long will this take?
This is a scary journey, and it is not helped by the politics that seem to have taken over social media and the news. I would love if there was some magic wand I could wave and Poof, I was a woman, without any social transition or trauma.
Unfortunately that is not the case, and while I do want to live my life as I want to live it, I have a lifetime of confusion, habits and fears to deal with.
I also have a fear of what others will think. Intellectually I know this is probably overblown, but it is still real.
So, How long will this take? When will I be comfortable in my own skin?
I am getting there, and when I look back at where I was (Journaling is great), I am pretty proud of how far I have come and what I have achieved,
